Lullabies and Memories
by LuigiWife1551
Summary: Raph recalls one simple lullaby that brings back years of childhood memories. It's how he knows Leo would like it.  Rated for safety.


**Hi! So I have yet another random one-shot that I've been working on for a while. It's nothing much, just a little brotherly love. Please read and review, and I hope you enjoy! Thank you! ****All is written in Raph's POV. **

**I own nothing more than my random plot. TMNT characters and the lullaby aren't mine.**

**Song: 'Natsuhiboshi' by Fukami Rika**

* * *

><p><strong>Lullabies and Memories<strong>

Today is the second year since I lost him.

It's been two years since my oldest brother died in my arms.

It always haunts me...especially his last request...

I think back to it now, and it surprises me how I can wake up humming that song. That night, when he died in my arms, it was something that small that he wanted from me!

After everything he went through...after all that pain he endured, all for us...it was all he wanted.

I was the one who found him. It didn't take a genius to figure out that Leo was not going to make it. I mean, besides the fact that his hands were bound, his swords were nowhere in sight, and he was in a dark, cold holding room, he'd also been covered in so many wounds...half of them either infected to the point where I knew it was incurable.

None of us could stop him from dying.

I couldn't stop what will happen.

But the funny thing was...I didn't want to. I didn't want to see him in pain afterward. I never wanted to see him like that...so weak and...and _tiny, _almost. He had been through so much that night...more than anything that we've ever fought against.

And Leo just didn't need to suffer for us anymore.

I mean, I understood that. If any one of us were put in that situation...if I had to give my life to save my family...I'd do it in a heartbeat. But, to see my older brother like that...to know that he never once fought back because he didn't want us to die...

I understood. But that never made it any better for any of us. In fact, it made it so much more...worse. It added so much guilt in me that, to this day, will ever go away.

But...nothing can take that kind of pain away, huh Leo?

One night, I peeked in Donny's lab, figuring that he was asleep or doing some crazy random tune-up on one of the weapons stored in there. It was keeping him busy, and sometimes, I thought that it would be a good thing. Sometimes.

When I looked in the lab, I saw that it was empty, just the soft glow of his computer screen light as it illuminated his dark room, giving the room any sign of life. Sighing heavily, I turned and headed for the stairs.

I had a pretty good idea I knew where he was.

Once I reached the top of the second floor, I headed straight for Mikey's room.

I walked in the room, enough to see the two sleeping turtles in Mikey's bed. It was kinda sad, when I thought about it.

Both of them were curled up under Mikey's blanket, fast asleep, and I let out a small sigh of relief. It was the first time these two actually stayed in such a deep slumber in a long time, but I had a feeling that wasn't going to last. These days, it hardly does.

I finally heard the eeire, powerful silence that surrounded us in this place. It's thick and heavy, and it was probably the second weirdest feeling that had surrounded me since his death.

It's not the same. Nothing around here is the same. Nothing will ever be the same.

* * *

><p><em>"LEO!"<em>

_Leo completely looked helpless. Too weak to even cry out for help..._

_And all that ran through my head: "He's dead...He's dead!"_

_"Raph..."_

_Blood coated his face, soaking his once-blue mask until it turned some kind of color that I have never seen. Red stained his teeth, oozing out of his mouth as he tried to speak..._

_Oh god...__What had they done to him?_

_"R-Raph..." he called softly. His voice sounded so...watery, almost...like he was under water. It was terrible._

_ I just wanted to shut him up so much. He had neither the strength nor the reason to talk. _

_"Shut up, Leo!"_

_I gently laid his head on my lap, trying not to jostle him too much, and that was when I felt his body shaking. His eyes closed in pain as he tried to say something, and I could feel him coughing. I didn't know what to do, but one thing was clear._

_He wasn't going to make it. _

_All I could do was hold him tight and hoped that the pain eased for him fast._

* * *

><p>A small whimpering sound brought me out of that thought. I look over, and I watched Mikey as he started to shake his head, eyes scrunched tightly shut. He kept mumbling something, and I felt even more guilty when I heard what it was.<p>

He still called out to him almost every night.

I wish sometimes...as sickening as it sounds...I sometimes wished that my younger brothers had died along with Leo that night. I was able to handle this kind of thing, but for them...seeing them in pain every day like this...

After I told them what had happened to Leo, and they caught a quick glimpse of him in his casket...he never stopped having nightmares about this. And it's terrible because it's him! It's Mikey...I never wanted my little brother to see something so horrible.

A few seconds later, I heard Donny whimpering as well, clutching Mikey like he was all that was left. Again, not that I blamed him.

Donny had a couple of breakdowns the night after we brought Leo's bloody body home. He barely managed to clean Leo before he'd leave the room, and I could hear him sobbing down the hall.

I took a deep breath, gathered some sense of composure and walked into the room. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I lightly shook Donny's shoulder.

"Don...Don, hey. Hey, wake up." I called softly.

I didn't want to wake up my father, who was asleep in his room. Then again...he wasn't going to be up any time soon. After coming out of Leo's room for the millionth time, he had locked himself in his own room and had stayed in there all night. I checked in on him to make sure he had eaten before he went to bed.

Seeing as how I still couldn't pull Donny out of it, I tried to wake up Mikey.

"Hey! Mikey!" I said a little louder. I shook his shoulder, and even hit him upside the head. But he didn't wake up, either.

While I waited to see if they would pull themselves out of their nightmare, like they usually did, I myself sat there, my mind drifting off as I recalled more about that fateful night.

* * *

><p><em>Why?<em>

_Still unable to form words, I think I was asking that question more to myself than him._

_Why him? Why would he let himself go through this alone?_

_I watched as Leo lay dying in my lap; he was so weak...so pitifully weak...I'm not used to seeing him like this...I never wanted to see him like this._

_After a few more seconds of him coughing, wincing in pain and falling silent at times, Leo finally managed to speak. Blood was still coming from the corners of his mouth._

_"R-Raph...can you...you do me...a f-f-favor...?" he asked me._

_I was about to snap at him for being so damn stubborn when Leo's cold hand brushed mine. _

_His hand was so cold and so damn sticky with his blood, I swear to you, whatever mindset I had just stopped. _

_I felt how close he was to death. I wished I hadn't._

_"Sing to me...the lullaby..."_

_I had been so confused, and __I almost asked, until Leo started mumbling bits of the song. _

_His eyes closed, his voice soft and wavering, he brought back a lifetime of memories with the few lines he was able to sing._

_'Natsuhiboshi naze akai?  
>Yuube kanashii yume wo miita<br>Naite hanashita  
>Akai me yo...'<em>

* * *

><p>I couldn't believe how many childhood memories Leo brought back that night. I never understood what the song meant, but I never cared. Our father sung that to us...he gave us something to hold on to, to remind us that no matter what, we were always going to be a family. I wonder if that was why he wanted me to sing that song to him.<p>

I looked down at my trembling younger brothers, and decided to bring them out of their suffering.

I shook each of them, a lot harder than before. Mikey's blue hues shot open, and he sat up fast. Looking around, he seemed completely confused as to what had happened, yet tears were still running down his cheeks.

"Hey, Mikey. You have another one?" I softly asked, resting a calming hand on his slightly trembling shoulder.

Mikey nodded, wiping his eyes, before I pulled him into a powerful hug. He rested his head against my shoulder, not saying a word.

It was then that I heard Donny scream our deceased brother's name, causing me and Mikey to jump.

"LEO!"

I quickly let Mikey go and tried to wake my purple-clad brother up He was grasping at something, his face soaked with tears. I took his hand and pulled him upright, and it was then his dark brown eyes finally opened.

"Donny..."

He blinked, looked at me and Mikey, then latched his arms about my waist, sobbing heavily. I just let them both snuggle with me, not wanting to wake my father.

I began humming that same tune, and Mikey looked up at me. When it finally clicked in his head that I was the one who had been humming, he gave me a tiny smile.

At that, I did, too. It was the very first time Mikey had truly smiled since our brother's death.

I looked down at Donny, whom I had realized had fallen quiet. I couldn't hold back my smile as I watched him sleep. He looked so innocent and young at that point, and it just made it clear how much we lost that night.

I often think that the reason I recalled that song was because of how often our father would sing it to us. Whenever we were sick or cold or scared...he'd take us in his arms and sing us that same song, sometimes until we fell asleep.

As we got older, me and Leo would sing it, too, mainly to Donny and Mikey whenever they had nightmares. Or rather, Leo did. He had an usually good voice for that kind of thing. I never understood the Japanese lyrics, so I would usually hum the theme.

I winced a bit now when I think about it. Leo never really wanted to be sung to because he tried to deal with everything by himself. Even as a child, he didn't want to be seen as weak, and tried to take on the leadership role all on his own. He knew, though...he was just as scared as the rest of us. I just never understood why he wanted to put so much weight on his young shoulders.

Nevertheless, I took him for granted. We all did, but I _REALLY _did the most harm.

As I sat recalling more and more of that night, I tried to figure out why I did so much harm to my only older brother.

* * *

><p><em>Leo managed half the song, stuttering most of the time, before he began to cough more and more blood out, and cried out in pain. His eyes flew open, wide and frightened for a minute, before he relaxed once more. <em>

_I manged to turn him over on his side for a bit to ease some of the pain and make it easier for him to breathe, but that wouldn't stop the inevitable._

_"R-Raph...tell the others...that I love them...a-a-and I...I'm sorry..." he whispered quietly, so quiet that I nearly missed it._

_At that point, everything broke free for me. I didn't know what to do, and I just...I cried. I let the tears fall, and yet...I was being selfish._

_I wanted Leo to tell me that he'd be okay, that this was something that Donny could fix, that we could come back and kill that bastard Shredder! I wanted to believe that so much...but I had to face facts._

_We were going to lose our leader, our pillar...our brother._

_"Shhh. They know that, Leo. It's almost over..." I finally choked out, gently nuzzling his head._

_"And we love you too, big bro."_

_His light brown eyes were completely glassed over, a light smile on his face. And f__or a brief minute, I had to wonder...if he was cold, if it hurt a lot. He barely cried out...but was he still hurting?_

_I didn't try to stop the bleeding anymore. It was time, and I had to accept it. _

_Leo can let go of all this pain now...he didn't have to fight for us anymore..._

_I just barely remember leaving a light kiss on his forehead before his eyes fluttered close for the final time. His head tilted into my handt, and I felt how slow his breathing had gotten._

_"Leo, I'm sorry...I'm so sorry, bro..." I whispered. It was the only thing that I could seem to say at that point._

_There was so much more I wanted to tell him once we got out of here, and I knew now...I'd never be able to say it. I would live with that for the rest of my life._

_"W-Watashi wa...anata no otōto...o aishite..." he murmured quietly._

_I realized that he meant me in particular, and I wanted to know why. I wanted the answer to a lot of things._

_But it was over. It was time._

_It was time for Leo to finally rest._

_I listened as his breathing slowed down, a light breath escaped his lips, and then everything just...went still._

_It was then I knew he was gone. He didn't move, didn't take another breath, and he had no pulse. _

_He was dead._

_My brothers and our friends had gotten there sometime afterward. I didn't hear Donny, I didn't hear Mikey, I didn't hear anyone or anything. _

_I kept looking at the peace that was on my brother's face. _

_And it didn't matter how I looked at it. _

_My big brother, Leonardo...was dead._

* * *

><p>Sitting here with my two younger brothers in my arms, my father too weak to cry himself to sleep anymore in the next room, I felt this evergrowing rage to take revenge on Shredder right then and there.<p>

He put my father through more pain than ever; burying Leo was not something he should have to do! Leo was only 15!

I never saw him look so...aged. At the time, when April and Donny finally allowed him to see Leo, I really couldn't be in there. Bad enough I heard the pain from my little brothers, but hearing my father's anguish...that really destroyed me that very night.

After Leo's funeral, he tried to keep us together, but at times, he could barely keep himself together. He was probably the only one who was able to step foot in Leo's room and actually stay there for longer than five or ten minutes that first year. I knew he needed that sense of connection with him, and I applauded his bravery for that.

For us, for me and Mikey and Donny, it was...just weird. We never thought that we'd be burying any one of us before our time came. We never thought we'd be burying Leo at all.

I always thought that we'd be together until April and Casey's grandchildren surrounded us and we were wrinkled and old and walking around with canes. I always believed that.

Now, without Leo here...that became nothing more than a self-made dream.

Leo was buried under this apple blossom tree he loved. I never knew he came out here so often until Master Splinter told me that evening. None of the others knew, either, and I figured this was his little secret place to come to when he wanted to escape from it all.

His grave stone was small and gray. Engraved on it were these words:

_Hamato Leonardo_

_Beloved Son, Brother, Leader_

_Never Forgotten  
><em>_Always Remembered and Missed  
>Forever Loved <em>

_May the Heavens above take this child in His loving arms._

_Sunrise: April 07, 1988  
>Sundown: March 11, 2003 <em>

It was beautiful. Everything about this place was beautiful, and I saw why he loved it here so much.

I'm glad at least he got that, you know? Somewhere just for him...after everything he went through, he deserves it more than anything or anyone on this planet.

But...it was the last thing, the very last thing Leo managed to tell me that got me thinking for a long time. I still think about it to this day.

I just couldn't believe his last words were for me, of all people. And once I learned what that meant...I just...I couldn't...I didn't want to hear that in my head. I tried not to think that my brother would say that to me, and yet...it was so hard not to.

That was probably the hardest thing out of it all. Knowing that he never had any words of hatred for me and how badly I treated him when he never deserved it. It's sad it took the very death of my only big brother to realize that.

I treated him so badly, and I regret it. I guess that will stay with me until I die.

For him to tell me that...that he loved me...and for him to actually mean it...it burned. Every night, I heard those words of his, those last words for all of us...for me...

I couldn't erase that, and two years later, I still can't.

To be honest, I felt thankful my little brothers didn't see Leo like that. Mikey would just break, and I don't think Donny would live with himself anymore. They're not that strong to handle something like this...none of us were, but I could take it more than these two.

After the funeral, Mikey and Donny usually fell asleep together in Mikey's room, just like tonight. Often, I'd go in there to see how they were fairing out, and find them in horrendous nightmares like the one they had tonight. Most of the time, I was asleep in there, too.

I won't lie; those first few weeks, I was angry at too many things...just wanted to detach myself from everything...feel that pain that I know for a fact Leo felt...

But finally...it was one day, after I'd gotten into yet another screaming match with my mild-mannered, gentle father, that I just broke down and cried. I cried like there was no tomorrow.

We had comforted each other as the family we were. Sure, we had great friends, and Casey definitely helped me release some well-rooted hatred, but I know this much-if not for Mikey, Donny and our father, I would not have bothered to continue to live. I couldn't handle losing anymore of my family.

Two years have gone by. Two years that somehow, someway, we got through.

Right now...I can't say I feel anything. Whatever pain I had...it slowly seemed to have melted away. Maybe not completely...that can never happen. I'll always feel some kind of pain there. But it doesn't hurt as much as it first did.

On one hand, we still grieve for our older brother. No matter what, there really isn't a day that goes by that we don't think about him. I often stop by his grave just to sit and think most of the time. Mikey still can't bring himself to come back here, and Donny sometimes stays for a few minutes before he breaks down and leaves.

At least now we can finally go in his room. It was just as Leo had left it that fateful night. His bed had been made, some books on ancient Japanese history spread out on the bed. He left one of his two meditation candles sitting on the nightstand next to his bed, unlit. Everything was neat and organized.

I felt so weird walking in there and not seeing my older brother. But I finally, truly understand why my father often stays in here for hours at a time. I still feel his presence just about everywhere in here.

In other aspects, we changed. And it was for the better.

Something I do on a regular basis now-I make sure to tell my family that I love them.

We could be finishing up training or be watching a movie, it doesn't matter what we're doing; I hug my baby brothers and my father tightly and tell them how much I love them.

I regret never doing that with Leo. It will follow me around until the day I see him again, but I will always regret that.

I still have a firece urge to kill Shredder. Damn bastard deserves to die!

We all do. Mikey has a firece hatred for that scum of the earth. Donny literally seethed with rage just muttering his name. Me and Casey must've came up with almost twenty different ways to end his pathetic life. Even our father harbored hatred toward that son of a bitch.

But I know we haven't reached that point yet. None of us have, and I was surprised that I admitted that because I'm usually the more...fight first, think later kind of turtle. But I knew.

We just weren't ready. Physically, fuck yeah. We'd been training our shells off for that day, and I tell you, we're as strong as ever! I felt so powerful, I wanted to barge in there and start causing all types of trouble.

But emotionally? Fuck no. Mikey was still pretty angry, and so was Donny and our father. I don't know what happened with me. I...I can't say I'm the angriest now. I still hate the son of a bitch, and I can't wait to run my sai through his over-sized armored head. But I still feel something hurting inside me, and I knew I wasn't ready yet.

Everyone was just...too emotionally undone for the time being, and not having a clear head would get us all killed.

That doesn't mean we can't take our revenge, though. I want him to suffer a long, slow, painful death. And it's coming faster than he can ever imagine.

"...Raphie?"

Jumping a bit from that unexpected call, I looked at Mikey, who had this sleepy, half-lidded expression on his young face. I was surprised. He was still awake?

"Yeah?" I said, maneuvering from Mikey to lay Donny's slumbering frame on the bed.

Mikey tilted his head a bit, watching as I made Donny more comfortable, then crawled into my arms again. I didn't mind.

He reached up and laid his palm against my cheek, and I was amazed at how calm he was. He'd been shaking so much a few hours ago...

"It's gonna be okay, right? We're gonna be okay now?" he asked, his voice sounding like a eight year old.

I nodded, and leaned close to his face, my forehead lightly bumping into his.

"Yeah, baby bro." I answered simply, looking dead in his eyes. They're slowly gaining that spark that, thankfully, never completely went away.

And I knew that was true. It had been two years, and I understand that not everything will be back to 100% normal. But we'll be alright now.

After I was sure that those two were going to be alright for the rest of the night, and after checking on my father for the umpteenth time that night, I walked to Leo's grave alone-after I knocked some Purple Dragons around for being complete douche bags.

It was beautiful tonight, a nice, serene feel all around me.

As I stood in front of the simple grave stone, my hand resting on top of it, I finally remembered that I had something to tell him, something I felt I could finally say.

You taught me so much, even if I never listened or was too stubborn to listen. I understand now why you did what you did, Leo. And I know I was the most ignorant brother you ever had to put up with, but...thank you. I know we'll be okay as long as you can watch over us.

I think I grew a bit stronger from all this, Bro. I know you've always been there, even now, trying to get us to move on, still trying to protect us because you're the oldest. I know you've always protected us, protected me, from everything evil and horrible in this world. Everything I thought I knew.

Now I'm doing the same for Mikey and Donny, and for Father as well. I'll make sure they never experience something like this ever again.

We're moving on, Leo. Slowly, but...we're moving on a little. It's still hard without you here, but we're making things work. I know you'd want us to remember you when you were alive. And that's how I try to do that.

"Watashi wa anata wo aishite imasu, oniisan." I finally said quietly.

I had figured it out. It took me two years, but I finally realized why my brother would say something like that.

Such a simple answer: He always did love me.

He understood why I was the way I was to him, to everyone around me. He had understood me more than my other brothers and even my father ever could.

He had always cared...I was just too stupid and hotheaded all the time to see it.

I stood up, dusting my knee pads off, and stayed there some more, just letting thoughts drift through my head, before deciding to head home.

As I headed back to the nearest manhole, a cool breeze brushed my skin, whipping my bandanna tails in my face. I stopped walking for a moment.

I looked up to the well-lit sky, the stars that twinkled, and I smiled.

Maybe I will never know why I am the way I am. But I know that my brother loved me just as I am now. And I love him just the same.

"I hope it's painless over there, Bro. We miss you." I whispered.

I let the breeze linger on my skin a bit longer before I turned and disappeared back into the darkness, fully understanding the song, the lyrics...and more of myself, as well.

"Natsuhiboshi naze akai?  
>Yuube kanashii yume wo miita<br>Naite hanashita  
>Akai me yo.<p>

Natsuhiboshi naze mayou  
>Kieta warashi wo sagashiteru<br>Dakara kanashii yume wo miru"

_'For now...please, just watch over us, Fearless. Until we're together again...just watch over us...and know that I'll always love you.'_

**END**


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